What Matters Most: The Parent-Child Relationship

by Jennifer Luria, MSW, LISW

     “You are here. You obviously care a lot for your child and your relationship with your child, because you are here. You are taking time out to get some help. Your child is lucky to have such a committed parent.” 

     I am a therapist who works with parents and children. I provide Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT). PCIT uses the relationship between the parent and child to decrease negative behaviors, including outbursts, defiance, aggression, and destruction of property. I begin by teaching the parent skills to strengthen the relationship with the child through play. Then I teach the parent how to use consistent expectations and consequences in play and daily life for the child. The child will then know what to expect and be able to continue to build trust with the parent.

     Often, when parents come to my office, they are sad, angry, full of guilt and shame, and at a loss. Parents often feel embarrassed and even hopeless. Sometimes families start isolating themselves from other relatives and friends, because they fear that their child will throw a tantrum in public or hit someone. Parents often share that they want to have a better relationship with their children but don’t know how to make it better. 

     “I am honored that you are letting me help. Thank you for sharing your experience with me.” That is the part that I wish I said more to parents.

     A young boy is playing with cars and block towers in a small room. His foster mom sits on one side of the room. She is being coached through an earpiece to mimic the boy’s play. She starts to build a block tower, just like his. The boy takes a car and knocks over the tower.  Again and again. Week after week, when this dyad comes to therapy, the little boy sabotages the foster mom’s play - until the week he doesn’t. One week, the little boy climbs up into his foster mom’s lap, snuggles in, and starts sharing cars with her. He listens well to her on the way out. He starts showing less defiance at home and at preschool. Foster mom appears delighted to be with him at sessions. 

     My clinical work has been largely dedicated to the importance of the parent-child relationship. However, my clinical work and my life’s work of raising my own children have been intertwined. You see, my clinical work to help parents strengthen the relationship with their children has been shaped by the most important relationships in my life, with my children.  

Jennifer Luria, MSW, LISW, is a therapist who works with children and parents in Iowa.