Clinical Intersections: On Being a Non-Binary Kid - A Parent-Child Interview
by Danna and Lee Bodenheimer
After this weekend’s mass shootings (August 3-4, 2019), I (Danna) felt at a loss for words. I still do, really. But when I am at home with my kids, it’s pouring rain outside, and we are all snuggled up, the thoughts start to flow more easily. I realized that there is always something to say, a story to tell. Perhaps just not my own at this exact second. So here is Lee’s story. I asked them if they would be interested in me interviewing them about their identity. Let me start by saying that Lee is 8 1/2 years old and really wants to be famous. The more exposure, the better! They have red hair and love Nintendo, swimming, and snuggling.
Here’s our interview:
1. When did you first realize that you might be trans?
In November.
2. How did you realize it?
I felt like I was a girl. Then I thought that I was a boy. Then I didn’t know. And my mom said, “You can be both.” And that’s how I became non-binary.
3. How did you feel when your mom said that?
I felt so good. My heart also felt so good.
4. What’s your favorite part of being trans?
I’m not sure, feeling like I don’t have to worry about my gender.
5. Who was the first person that you told about being trans?
My brother was the first person that I told after I turned non-binary.
6. How have you felt with other kids about being trans?
Lots of them get my name or pronouns wrong, but my close friends are really good with it.
7. What is something about being trans that makes you proud?
That I am not afraid to show how I am. That I will never stop being it. That I will always hang on to how I feel about myself.
8. What is something about being trans that makes you nervous?
Nothing really. It's just that some things make me more angry.
9. Like what?
Like pronouns, anything mean about any kind of gender, just some things make me more angry.
10. Tell me something else really special about you.
I have symbrachydachtly. It is where your fingers are smaller than most people's. I feel pretty good about it.
11. What makes somebody a good friend?
To not make fun of you for anything, to rarely ever be mean to you or to never be mean to you. And, likes to play with you.
12. Do you have a best friend?
Not in general, not really. I just have more than five really good friends.
13. What do you like most about school?
Getting to have new friends.
14. Is there anything about the new school year that you are nervous about?
There are a few kids that I dislike and very few I really dislike. Like one or two. But I am looking forward to seeing my friends. And to playing.
15. Tell me one more thing that you wish the world could know about you.
I have three cats and two dogs and one fish.
And here is what I have come to know, both personally and professionally, about working with trans kids.
Lee came out to my wife and me at the beginning of this past school year. We had long suspected that their experience of their gender was not fully aligned with how we understood them at birth, which was of course based on the presentation of their body. The reason why we use trans to describe them is because that is the word and community that they most identify with. They feel that they fall under the heading of the trans umbrella because they connect most with other kids and adults whose gender has shifted away from how they were assigned to be at birth.
We got an email from their teacher telling us that they had come out after lunch, accompanied by a note from them explaining to us that after lunch their gender would change. They first said that they would become a girl, but we told them that they could be any number of things and we would love them whatever that identity ends up being. We told them about being non-binary, gender non-conforming, agendered. When we described what it means to be non-binary, they told us that this was what is most truly in their heart.
These are some of the most commonly asked questions I get as both a social worker and a parent about having a trans kid:
1. If a child expresses interest in behavior that is not typical for their gender, should parents influence their child or guide them toward more gender "appropriate" behavior?
The most important thing for parents to know is that they cannot make their children trans and they also cannot stop their children from becoming trans. The mechanism by which children do not identify with the gender that they were assigned at birth is typically impervious to parental direction or social cues. That said, the performance of gender can often exist along a continuum. The push for gender performance to fall squarely within the lines of the gender binary typically at the least and at the most extreme creates a more persistent desire to perform gender expansively.
2. How much or how little should parents influence their children in choosing their interests and activities?
Parents can be excellent guides to help children identify their own interests and activities. Often, children are not even aware of what is out there that might meet their developmental, intellectual, or physical needs. However, the source or motivation for the influence has to be examined and understood by the parent. If the parent is pushing the child because of the parent's own narcissistic wish to see a child turn out a specific way, the likelihood that the suggestion can be received in a healthy and productive way is limited. Furthermore, if the suggestion is based on a wish to more clearly gender a child, this will also produce problematic psychological results.
3. Is it ever okay for a parent to tell their child, "No, that is for boys/girls"?
The question is not whether or not it is okay; the question is can it ever be helpful to help a kid to navigate life in a world that is highly gendered along the lines of solely two gender identities. The other way in which it can be useful for parents to get involved in the ways in which children choose to demonstrate their gender identity is to help prepare them for how other kids and adults might react. This is not to discourage the child, but instead to fortify them with the information they need to manage intense social cues and the gender norming (or policing) process that many children engage in with one another.
4. Is there ever any situation in which a parent should draw the line when it comes to blurring the lines in gender differences?
Parents can offer to help children understand what is typically associated with how girls dress and how boys dress or what toys boys play with and what toys girls play with. But to step beyond the bounds of acting in an educative manner can thwart a child’s internal cues about what feels most right to them. The internal dialogue that a child needs to have with themselves, about their own identity, and authenticity is something that parents should do everything they can to help protect.
5. Why do children sometimes prefer things that are not typical for their gender? Can this be an indication for future sexual orientation or gender identification?
Children often prefer things that are not typical for their gender identity, because the gender binary is essentially a fiction that has been produced by capitalism to help with branding and marketing of products. There is not a clear psychological benefit to the existence of a stringent gender binary. So, the curiosity to cross gender lines is simply because we all have a lot of moving and complex parts inside of us. Children, specifically, are in the throes of imagining themselves into a lot of different ways of being as their neurobiological sense of self starts to unfold. This imagination and play has very little to do with future sexual orientation or gender identification. The exception to this rule, as per significant research on gender identity and children, is if the need to explore one’s gender, outside of how it has been assigned at birth, is persistent, consistent, and insistent; for a six-month period or more. These are the three words that we look for, in the field, to identify if a child’s identity will fall within the lines of transness or gender expansion.
6. Can parents influence gender orientation or gender identity?
When parents can explain that there are a lot of different ways to “be” to their children, they can provide significant relief. This is particularly true when the child is experiencing a high level of internal confusion about themselves. The simple provision of language to help a child understand themselves and their identity can help liberate the child from feeling both invisible and terrified. Parents cannot make their children gay or trans this way; they can simply help their gay or trans child to feel less "crazy" and alone in the world. It is through the offering of knowledge, without judgment, that we can free children to safely explore themselves as we stand by knowing the inevitable importance of this process.
The best thing for parents to know is that kids are highly dynamic. When we remember infancy or early toddlerhood, very few phases lasted more than two weeks. Even when we remember our children’s napping schedules, we were making tweaks all the time to adjust for their evolving needs and development. The same is true for how identity unfolds. It unfolds dynamically and with an important level of fluidity. While we are often frightened about the long-term consequences of anything that feels like an anomaly in our children, the fact is that it is typically part of a larger and more complex developmental process. We cannot make our children into anything. We can simply guide, educate, bear witness, and offer unconditional love as they journey both into themselves and through the world.
Dr. Danna Bodenheimer, LCSW, is the founder of Walnut Psychotherapy Center, and the executive director of the Walnut Wellness Fund. She is the author of Real World Clinical Social Work: Find Your Voice and Find Your Way and On Clinical Social Work: Meditations and Truths From the Field (The New Social Worker Press).
Lee Bodenheimer is a non-binary third grader who loves swimming and Nintendo. They live with their two moms, their big brother, two dogs, three cats, and one fish named Lucky.
Check out Danna Bodenheimer's books on Amazon.