All Feelings Are Okay - Reflections From a Social Worker at Home
by Alyssa Lotmore, LMSW
“I hate this. I miss playing with my friends.”
The words uttered from the mouth of my 7-year-old as we were out for a bike ride. We had just ridden past her best friend’s house – the bike rides have become a ritual for us in this age of social distancing.
Her friend was able to come out, but unlike their play dates not long ago, the interaction consisted of a wave and a 5-minute chat with a lot of laughing while standing six feet apart.
As we began the ride back home, the tears started, followed by getting off of her bright pink bike, sitting on the hot sidewalk, and putting her head between her knees as I heard the sobbing begin.
There we were – at the time, 70 days and counting since life as we knew it was put on pause – and my child finally cried about the coronavirus.
It was one of those cathartic cries – where one small event triggered a downpour of tears and verbalization of feelings and emotions that had previously gone unsaid.
“I hate Zoom and having school through my iPad.” “I miss Ama” (her great-grandmother). “I hate that people are sick and dying.”
It was 20 minutes that people on this random side street heard a little girl crying, sobbing, and stomping her feet before getting up and hugging me, getting back on her bike, and riding home.
As a licensed social worker, one who had worked in the elementary school setting for several years, I had been waiting for this moment. My daily emotional check-in with her, which sometimes was direct and other times more indirect through play, always received the “I’m fine, Mommy” type of response.
I would get comments as to how well she had adjusted to homeschool life and how she was always just so happy despite the world being in chaos. Whether it was avoiding the reality, not processing all that was happening, or enjoying a new and unfamiliar experience of attending school in the dining room...whatever it was, she finally reached a point when those feelings came out and could be expressed.
And now, here we are, almost a year into this pandemic. What initially started out as an abrupt change to our entire way of living has now turned into somewhat of a rollercoaster of continuous adjustments that we can somewhat anticipate based on case numbers, vaccine rollouts, and quarantines. It is hard enough for adults to process all that is occurring in the world today, but it can be even more challenging for children who were not always exposed to all of the facts about the pandemic and may not have been able to fully process this event.
I used to have a poster in my office that said, “All feelings are OK. It’s how you express them.” That is easier said than done...this process of understanding how we feel, why we feel that way, and then embracing that vulnerability to let ourselves actually feel.
One of my favorite movies is Disney/Pixar’s Inside Out, where they show that those uncomfortable feelings like sadness need to be felt and expressed just like joy. Children do not always have the tools to express those feelings in a safe or easy-to-understand way. Anger or acting out might be ways that children are expressing feelings of fear, anxiety, frustration, and the list of other emotions that we are all feeling during this time.
Each child is different. Despite all that I would do to help my now 8-year-old express her feelings about these changes brought about by this pandemic, a child has to be ready to let those feelings out. What we can do is reassure children that they are safe, let them talk about their worries, share our own ways that we are coping, monitor and moderate their exposure to world events, and, to the best of our ability during this time when we are juggling many areas of life, try to create a routine and structure.
Just as flight attendants instruct (even though most of us aren’t going to be in the air anytime soon), put your own oxygen mask on first. As social workers, we have so many skills to help others in times of crisis and uncertainty. However, even we can have anxiety, become fatigued, and need our own time to reflect and process…especially when the world seems upside down and both our professional and home lives are being impacted.
In order for us to best help others, we need to make sure that we are caring for ourselves. That is something that I had to devote specific attention to, especially during the times in quarantine and waiting for coronavirus test results for loved ones.
We, too, should be informed but avoid excessive exposure to media sources, stay connected even when physically distant, find time to relieve stress and practice daily self-care, and - most importantly - focus on our own mental health.
All feelings are okay. Always remember that. Let’s do what we can to help children, and ourselves, express them in a safe and healthy way.
Alyssa Lotmore, LMSW, is the Assistant to the Dean for Communications and Engagement at the State University of New York at Albany, School of Social Welfare. She co-hosts The Social Workers Radio Talk Show, which airs on WCDB 90.9FM and is available via podcast.