The Gun Control Debate and Marriage Counseling: How Are They Alike?

by Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C

     I know what you’re thinking. You’re asking yourself, “What does marriage counseling have to do with gun control? And why would I want to hear the opinion of a marriage counselor on this issue?” It is a valid question. So, rest assured, I am in fact not going to tell you my opinion on gun control. But I will share with you a perspective on this debate that I think might clarify where we’re stuck.

     In my role as a marriage counselor, virtually every day I meet with at least one couple that is having arguments in which both parties are trying mightily to get a point across and neither party is anywhere near succeeding. One common reason for this is that while one partner is speaking, the other person is busy planning the next rebuttal rather than listening to what the partner is trying to communicate. One person will complain about the partner’s chronic lateness. The significant other will respond, “Well, maybe if you weren't always shouting at me, I'd be more likely to be on time!” These two people have different concerns, and they are trying to get those concerns heard simultaneously. This tends not to work very well. You may have had similar experiences in your own life. Until each side stops and really hears the other, nothing is going to move forward here. They’ll just keep reiterating their points (probably with increasing volume and frustration).

     This is very much what is happening in the gun control debate. One camp is calling furiously for more gun control, better gun control. They point to the increasingly common mass shootings happening across the country, the school shootings, the terror attacks, and they want more protection for themselves and their children. The other camp is staunchly defending freedom of the people, noting that our collective trust in the government and in law enforcement is only continuing to decline and we must be free to protect ourselves.

     Unfortunately, everyone is focused on their own perspective, like the unhappy couples in my office, and few are the people who are actually listening to and engaging the other side. The truth is that opponents of gun control are not indifferent to the deaths of innocent people. Nor are proponents interested in turning this country into a surveillance state or abolishing individual rights.  If everyone would stop spouting their own opinions and listen to others’, we would likely make a lot more progress.

     Proponents of gun control are focused on saving lives. They are willing to give up some freedoms, such as the freedom to own assault rifles, for the sake of that goal.  So, for pro-gun advocates to clamor about the sanctity of the second amendment will simply not gain them any ground in this debate. If they want to win people over to their point of view, they’re going to have to engage them on the question of saving lives, not preserving freedoms. They’re going to have to validate that perspective, to acknowledge the critical importance of finding ways to prevent more senseless deaths. Only once everyone is on the same page about this point can actual dialogue take place. And a useful argument would then address how gun control can lead to more, not less, danger and how private citizens with guns have stopped crimes and saved lives.  

     On the other side, gun control advocates have to validate their adversaries’ concerns about freedom, about the gravity of preserving the values that have allowed this country to thrive. One could then go on to explore where our liberties do get curtailed (think “fire” in a movie theater) and what limitations we as a society already accept in favor of other priorities. Once it is established that constitutional freedoms are an important part of this discussion, the debate can proceed productively. Otherwise we are just talking past each other, with our words making no impact at all.

     I don’t pretend to have the solution for gun violence. I also don’t claim to have answers to the dilemmas my clients often present. What I can do is help people change the quality of the conversation, so they can work it out themselves.  If only our society would take the same approach, maybe we could all, finally, work a solution out together.

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C, provides marriage counseling in Baltimore, MD, and is the Director of the Baltimore Therapy Center. He is also the director of a nonprofit providing low-cost family services and of the Montgomery County Abuser Intervention Program.