Michelle Obama Elevates the Conversation – “Going High” in Couples Communication

by Elisabeth Joy LaMotte, LICSW

     With the release of Becoming, Michelle Obama’s anticipated memoir, I’m thinking a lot about her piercing advice during the 2016 Presidential campaign. Words grew uglier, and she famously asserted, “When they go low, we go high.”  Her remarks take on even more resonance today in light of the passing of George H.W. Bush, who is rightly being remembered for his civility in public discourse.

     In her book, the former First Lady opens up about how couples therapy helped her and her husband earlier in their marriage. I wonder if she is aware that her memorable advice succinctly summarizes the cornerstone of therapeutic communication. Taking the high road is not only a reflection of good manners and dignity. It is also the most effective strategy when it comes to improving a marriage or salvaging an important relationship.    

     Here’s my (admittedly less inspiring) version of this principle, as applied in my marital therapy practice. The best way to win an argument is to lose it. Couples often go after one another viciously and aggressively, with a primary goal of proving that they are in the right and their spouse is in the wrong. They fight to win. In the process, everyone loses, including any children who are in earshot of the verbal competition. There’s no prize awarded to the winner of a marital argument.

     It is incredibly rare that a married person would respond positively to comments like: You never help me. Why can’t you make yourself useful and load the dishwasher for once in your life?! The communicator may be absolutely right and this particular spouse may not be helping out enough. But that’s not the point. The blaming, volatile language will encourage the slob to shut down; and that spouse will likely do less around the house, not more.

     If a frustrated partner notices that his spouse is not helping out enough, he is much more likely to “win” and end up with more help if he goes high. Try something like: I know we both work so hard and are so tired. If I am honest, I’m aware that I care more about living in a clean and organized space than you do. My standards for cleanliness are high – maybe even too high – and that can be hard to live with. But I have done the dishes and cleaned the kitchen a lot lately. Do you think you could take care of that tonight? By digging underneath the annoyance about the messy dishes, the mature communicator is willing to own his piece of the equation. He will “lose” a portion of the argument before it even begins by acknowledging that his high cleanliness standards may be part of the problem. But his spouse is far more likely to rise to the occasion and wash some dirty dishes.

     Couples who are able to practice emotionally mature, non-blaming communication experience greater intimacy and less anxiety. Conversely, couples whose reaction is to blame the other and communicate with volatility are less intimate and experience a great deal of anxiety. In fact, a school of psychological thought, known as Systems Theory, is built on this premise. Systems Theory teaches that a key task of adulthood is to learn to be able to balance separateness and togetherness. Those who can be intimate with others and simultaneously remain separate are calm and emotionally grounded; as a result, they have more fulfilling relationships and experience less relational stress. Those who communicate through blame tend to define themselves solely in terms of their reactions to others, and so they lose a portion of their identity. 

     Moreover, communicating in an emotionally mature way can actually help people achieve more emotional maturity. What does emotional maturity look like in terms of communication style? It means an ability to talk about one’s self, own one’s part in any given problem, and to do so while considering the other person’s ego. What is the simplest way to practice this skill? Every time there is an urge to use the word “you,” figure out a way to replace it with the word “I.” That’s how you can “go high” in your own relationships. 

     Researcher John Gottman and his colleagues at the Gottman institute discovered that communication issues are the number one cause of divorce. According to their research, stable marriages have a ratio of five positive interactions for every one negative interaction, while unstable marriages have a ratio of eight negative interactions for every one positive interaction. Stable marriages place a greater emphasis on going high. Gottman’s research also shows that couples tend to face the same problem repeatedly throughout a marriage. The durability of a marriage does not depend on fixing a problem and making it disappear; it depends on how couples discuss ongoing challenges.

     Couples frequently admit that their default is to go low. I often hear comments like: I notice that we get along better when I make the ‘I’ statements rather than the ‘you’ statements – but it is so hard to do. Sometimes I just want to say ‘I feel like you’re being a jerk!’” Clients often complain that inserting “I” into the place of “you” feels fake, even if it lessens volatility and yields results. And the truth is that any authentic change feels uncomfortable at first. Early transformation feels fake. That’s why Alcoholics Anonymous emphasizes the term fake it until you make it.  

     Learning to use “I” statements requires a deliberate effort. However, couples who are struggling should shift their blaming impulses and take a moment to dig underneath the impulse to blame. Even if their spouse is 95 percent in the wrong, there is always some slice of ownership for the problem that is worth accessing and articulating.   

     Enhanced communication skills do more than improve relationships with others. Going high reduces anxiety and improves self-esteem. Even if your partner is going low, it only takes one person insisting on the high road to shift the dialogue.

     Michelle Obama’s mantra demonstrates that taking the high road not only enhances a marriage; it elevates professional performance. Regardless of one’s viewpoint about current policies and politics, I think most of us can agree that the public rhetoric has degraded dramatically since the former First Lady first encouraged the high road. Her strategy may not resonate with everyone, but as the nation mourns the passing of former President George H.W. Bush, it surely inspires.

Elisabeth Joy LaMotte, LICSW, is a social worker and founder of the DC Counseling and Psychotherapy Center. She is the author of Overcoming Your Parents' Divorce and an active media contributor.