Tis the Season To Be Jolly? A Guide to Grief During the Holidays

by Tami Micsky, MSSA, LSW, CT

     We all experience loss, by choice or by circumstance. Things and people are left behind, changed, or lost forever. We grieve because of divorce, death, deployment, imprisonment, pet loss, job changes, home loss, and the impact of disaster. Although a “normal” part of the human experience, when we encounter a loss, we experience a sense of deprivation and disruption.  Grief reactions may be physiological, behavioral, cognitive, and spiritual. Responses are highly variable and individualized to the person and the environment. 

     When the environment involves the holiday season, we may experience a clash of feelings. During the holidays, the expectation is to feel jolly, festive, or merry - to be involved in activities and excited about spending time with family and friends. But often, feelings of grief do not match that expectation and are more like a tangled ball or tornado of intense, sometimes negative, feelings.

     The process of grieving is complex and evolves over time and experience.  An encounter with loss is more than a crisis situation - it is a transition and can be life-changing. Those who are grieving a loss of any type are not moving through prescribed, linear stages. Grieving people are not “getting over it.” Rather, they are learning to live with the changes. In his book, Healing Your Holiday Grief (2005), Alan Wolfelt discusses the idea of reconciliation versus recovery. He suggests that those who have experienced a loss do not need to recover; grief does not need to be cured. Rather, people who are grieving need to become reconciled to grief and find ways to live with the changes.

     After experiencing a loss, people need time to heal. But how? Healing takes commitment, intention, and most of all, honoring the pain. Accepting that change often results in difficult feelings - and even physical pain - provides the foundation for healing. As social workers, we often work with people who have experienced loss and need support and reassurance to face the changes. How do we help others take time to heal during the holidays?

     Consider the “circle of control.” There are things that are outside of our control when dealing with grief. What other people say and do; what family and friends expect, and how they feel are outside of our influence. We can help people by encouraging them to consider the things that are within their control and make decisions based on this concept. Following are practical strategies that will help those who are grieving to celebrate sensitively during the holidays.

• Consider “exceptions.” In the past, when coping with difficult times, how did you survive and thrive? Look for strengths and use them to cope with this time of change or conflicting feelings.
• Journal. Recording your thoughts and feelings may provide comfort, time for reflection, and perspective on the big picture.
• Find resources and readings that may validate feelings or provide new ideas for coping with grief during the holidays. Some excellent resources for adults include: Healing Your Holiday Grief by Alan Wolfelt, A Decembered Grief by Harold Ivan Smith, and How Will I Get Through the Holidays? by James E. Miller. For children, resources include The Invisible String by Patrice Karst and Night Catch by Brenda Ehrmantraut.
• Consider the needs of your family. Children may have different needs than those of adults. Discuss your needs, desires, and wants for the season, or use a written checklist to make decisions about activities and traditions.
• Once decided, share your plan with family and friends. This helps to control expectations prior to holiday invitations, activities, and potential disappointment. Sharing your concerns and plans can also help to enlist support from your “team,” those family and friends who will support and uphold your decisions.
• Minimize seasonal stressors. There is no need to “do it all” or to continue all the traditions of the past.
• When possible, find ways to maintain the connection and keep people involved in the holiday. Relationships can be maintained via alternative communication (such as Skype), letters, or sharing of photos and memories. 
• Consider vacated roles. Who will carve the turkey? Who will read the Christmas story? Who will buy the presents? Planning ahead for these types of situations may help avoid sudden and challenging triggers or situations.
• Plan something to look forward to for after the holiday season. This may be the motivation to “get through” the challenge of the holiday events and activities. It may be a shopping trip, day at the spa, or a vacation with friends.

     Feelings of grief will not stop for a holiday, a wedding, or other “cheerful” event. Sadness, anger, frustration, confusion, and exhaustion will continue even when others are celebrating. Coping with grief during the holidays is challenging and requires support and understanding.

     We - as social workers, friends, and family members - can provide that support. Be a part of the support “team,” and help others who are grieving find their way through the trials of this often conflictual season.

Resources

Ehrmantraut, B. (2005). Night catch. Jamestown, ND: Bubble Gum Press.

Karst, P.  (2000). The invisible string. Camarillo, CA:  Devorss and Company.

Miller, J. E. (1996). How will I get through the holidays? 12 ideas for those whose loved one has died. Fort Wayne, IN: Willowgreen Publishing.

Smith, H. I. (1999). A December grief: Living with loss while others are celebrating. Kansas City, MO: Beacon Hill Press.

Wolfelt, A. D. (2005). Healing your holiday grief: 100 practical ideas for blinding mourning and celebration during the holiday season. Fort Collins, CO: Companion Press.

Tami Micsky, MSSA, LSW, CT, is a licensed social worker, certified thanatologist, and an assistant professor of social work at Mercyhurst University. Ms. Micsky is currently pursuing her doctorate in social work through Millersville and Kutztown Universities.