Self-Care A-Z: Accountability and Self-Care—When a 7-Year-Old Back-Seat Driver Schools Me
by Erlene Grise-Owens, EdD, LCSW, MSW, MRE, lead co-editor of The A-to-Z Self-Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals
Accountability sometimes comes from a 7-year-old back-seat driver.
When my partner and I get to pick up our Grands, Z (9) and N (7), after school, we ask about their day. Here’s a snippet from a recent conversation.
Me: “Did you play outside today?”
They replied, “Yes!” and shared about some activities.
Then, N asked, “Grandma, did you play outside today?”
Me: “No. The day got away from me and I didn’t get out for my walk!”
N: “Don’t you work from home?! Why didn’t you just take a break and walk out the door?!”
(Well played, N, well played! 😊)
I’m still chuckling about this unexpected self-care accountability. And, this incident illustrates the importance of attending to different facets of self-care accountability.
Accountability Must Be Intentional, Integrated, and Individualized
Self-care does not just happen. We need to be intentional about accountability that holds us to our commitments. As such, devising successful self-care plans requires intentionally considering what accountability measures/strategies to use.
Similarly, one of many problematic misconceptions about self-care is that it’s something to be added to an already full plate. Instead, self-care—and its accountability strategies—must be integrated into one’s lifestyle. Self-care is essential, not extra; effective self-care includes integrated accountability.
My successful self-care accountability and yours likely share similarities. And, there are important differences. Every self-care plan, including accountability measures, must be tailored for individualized values, preferences, and circumstances. Not everybody has a 7-year-old self-care sage in their back-seat. When devising accountability strategies, consider your lifestyle (now—not some ideal future!).
Inner and Outer Accountability
Another important aspect is Inner versus Outer accountability. In The Four Tendencies, Gretchen Rubin presents four categories: Upholders, Questioners, Rebels, and Obligers. Helping professionals are often “Obligers,” who tend to respond to outer expectations rather than adhere to inner expectations.
Here’s a typical scenario that illustrates how Rubin’s framework applies to self-care accountability. In a team meeting, “Octavia’s” supervisor asked for volunteers to staff the week-end shift. Octavia bemoaned to me, “Nobody volunteered. So, I did.” This outer expectation (supervisor’s need) overrode Octavia’s inner expectation (self-care). I asked, “What would’ve happened if you’d remained silent?” Octavia looked startled, and replied, “I guess my supervisor would’ve had to figure it out.” I observed, “Exactly! Sounds like the agency may need to add staff or institute incentives. Sometimes in being ‘helpful,’ we’re actually enabling dysfunctional systems—usually at the detriment of our own well-being.”
“Obligers” respond to others, immediately—instead of attending to ourselves. As such, we need to be especially attentive to outer accountability.
Examples of outer accountability include devising a written self-care plan, putting self-care commitments on calendars, and other such externalized formats. Tracking self-care habits/commitments is especially effective for enacting outer accountability. Further steps include making self-care commitments part of professional development plans, supervisory/team meetings, and so forth. Accountability partners, including peer support groups or colleague(s) or personal designee(s), give outer accountability. These important layers contribute to outer accountability culture shifts.
Over time—with evidence of exponential benefits of self-care—I’ve become less of an “Obliger.” Part of self-care includes critically questioning/resisting outer expectations that negatively impinge on personal well-being.
Explicit and Implicit Accountability
Finally, this incident with my Grand guru illustrates implicit accountability. Explicit accountability engages designated ways to specifically promote fulfilling self-care commitments. Yet, as I make self-care a lifestyle, my implicit accountability solidifies, too.
For example, taking the Grands on outdoor outings or doing creative projects implicitly ensures accountability for self-care commitments to nature, movement, play, creativity, and connection. (Plus, resting to keep up with them!) Also, my partner and I routinely prioritize travel and home-making. Likewise, my book club and writing groups implicitly encourage my self-care commitments.
With intentional, integrated, and individualized self-care that attends to inner and outer accountability, self-care becomes second nature. Create a life that consistently supports self-care, explicitly and implicitly!
Self-care wisdom is everywhere. My Grands are some of my best teachers. And, I’m always looking for ideas. How do you engage self-care accountability? Let me know.
For now, I’m going to just take a break and walk out the door. I don’t want to be schooled again by my Grand Accountability Driver. She’s only seven. But, clearly, she’s got my number—and heart.
Erlene Grise-Owens, EdD, LCSW, MSW, MRE, is a Partner in The Wellness Group, ETC. This LLC provides evaluation, training, and consultation for organizational wellness and practitioner well-being. Dr. Grise-Owens is lead editor of The A-to-Z Self-Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals. As a former faculty member and graduate program director, she and a small (but mighty!) group of colleagues implemented an initiative to promote self-care as part of the social work education curriculum. Previously, she served in clinical and administrative roles. She has experience with navigating toxicity and dysfunction, up-close and personal! Likewise, as an educator, she saw students enter the field and quickly burn out. As a dedicated social worker, she believes the well-being of practitioners is a matter of social justice and human rights. Thus, she is on a mission to promote self-care and wellness!