Self-Care A-Z: The Biggest Word in Practicing Self-Care I Learned From Pre-Schoolers*
by Erlene Grise-Owens, Ed.D., LCSW, MSW, MRE, lead co-editor of The A-to-Z Self-Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals
A key part of my self-care routine is reading self-care-related books. I just finished Kelly Corrigan’s Tell me More—Stories about the 12 Hardest Things I’m Learning to Say. Her chapter on learning to say “No” is essential self-care advice!
What are your biggest self-care barriers? Likely, many of them could be addressed by saying “No” to something.
Just Say “No”
From Corrigan’s chapter titled “No” - “…one big takeaway from [extensive and expensive] therapy was Learn to say No. And, when you do, don’t complain and don’t explain. Every excuse you make is like an invitation to ask you again in a different way.” (p. 119)
So true. Basically, people often function like preschoolers when we want something. If you’ve interacted with preschoolers much, you know the importance of simply saying “No” and sticking with it. If you quibble or hesitate, they see room for negotiating or testing that boundary. So, remember, we’re all pre-schoolers. Just say “No.”
To develop the ability to say “No,” you may want to start small. As Corrigan reveals, “Little noes prepare us for the big noes that define…our lives. The job we shouldn’t take, the relationship we must leave…No, finally, to another drink, no to abuse…” (p. 124).
Not Everyone Is Going To Like You
Typically, when told “No,” we (pre-schoolers!) want to see if that boundary is for real. Like preschoolers, oftentimes, when we say “No” to someone, they aren’t happy about it. However, if we acquiesce to that unhappiness (dissatisfaction, anger, and so forth), we convey that our “No” is negotiable.
Usually, when people resist “No,” they’re simply (and predictably) testing a boundary. This behavior is normative. Intentionally, just as with pre-schoolers, try to respond non-emotionally, without personalizing their resistance.
Corrigan points out that preschoolers know how to say “No.” But, she notes, as we get older, we become socialized to believe saying no is “rude or insubordinate, mean or lazy, withholding or dangerous. There’s hardly a positive intention associated with no…Except self-preservation.” (p. 130)
One of the hardest, but essential, keys to saying “No” is one of my self-care mantras: Not everyone is going to like you. Corrigan presents her mother as a role model of saying “No!” She elaborates “I think it came down to her impressive willingness to be disliked.” (p. 119)
The Best Part of Saying No Is Saying YES
Frankly, people who can’t say “No” aren’t trustworthy. As Corrigan says, “If they never say No, how can you trust their Yes? Besides, No makes room for Yes…” (p. 130). Corrigan’s next chapter is titled “Yes.”
In her “Yes (and No) Lists—Life-Long Learning” entry in The A-to-Z Self-Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals, Kristin Johnson astutely observes that, in order to say “Yes” fully, we must learn to say “No.” Likewise, the brilliant writer Shonda Rhimes, in her memoir, Year of Yes, explains, “No is…the single most powerful word in the English language.” (p. 211)
“No.” It’s a complete sentence. And, it is the lead sentence to a life-story of saying “Yes” to self-care.
Peace, Love, & Self-Care,
Erlene
*With special thanks to my Heart-“Grands,” Zahir (5) and Noor (3) for teaching me so much and being an integral part of my self-care plan!
References
Corrigan, K. (2018). Tell me more—Stories about the 12 hardest things I’m learning to say. New York, NY: Random House.
Grise-Owens, E., Miller, J., Eaves, M. (Eds.). (2016). The A-to-Z self-care handbook for social workers and other helping professionals. Harrisburg, PA: The New Social Worker Press.
Rhimes, S. (2015). Year of yes—How to dance it out, stand in the sun and be your own person. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.
Dr. Erlene Grise-Owens, Ed.D., LCSW, MSW, MRE, is a Partner in The Wellness Group, ETC. This LLC provides evaluation, training, and consultation for organizational wellness and practitioner well-being. Dr. Grise-Owens is lead editor of The A-to-Z Self-Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals. As a former faculty member and graduate program director, she and a small (but mighty!) group of colleagues implemented an initiative to promote self-care as part of the social work education curriculum. Previously, she served in clinical and administrative roles. She has experience with navigating toxicity and dysfunction, up-close and personal! Likewise, as an educator, she saw students enter the field and quickly burn out. As a dedicated social worker, she believes the well-being of practitioners is a matter of social justice and human rights. Thus, she is on a mission to promote self-care and wellness!