Self-Care A-Z: Stop “Should”ing on Your Self-Care

by Erlene Grise-Owens, EdD, LCSW, MSW, MRE, lead co-editor of The A-to-Z Self-Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals 

     I should ______? “Should”ing is a common way we sabotage practicing self-care. Because these shoulds are so insidiously hidden and harmful, they must be intentionally countered. Here’s what I mean. 

Personal—From Shoulding to Satisfying

     I should get up early to meditate, enjoy a nutritious breakfast, and go to the gym for a challenging workout. We often have some ideal vision—usually unconscious—of what self-care looks like. This vision conveys that we should do self-care a particular, perfect way. What are your personal “shoulds”?

     Instead of “should”ing, focus on satisfying. That is, not what I should do but what is satisfying for my self-care? What’s caring, rather than criticizing?

     For me, that shift is most evident in physical self-care. My self-care journey includes realizing (repeatedly) that physical care means taking care of my body. It involves focusing on movement that satisfies me—for example, walking in my neighborhood or nature, rather than going to the gym. It involves maintaining commitments to monthly massages—and, yes, those regular hot baths. It involves myriad lifestyle choices, such as attending to medical appointments; being planful with meals, activities, and commitments; and instilling healthy habits that work for me.

     For instance, this shift from shoulding to satisfying engages the habits of savoring, celebrating, and practicing gratitude. I savor how my body (mind and spirit) feels after even 20 minutes of yoga stretches. I thank my body for being able to get out of bed, take the stairs, and keep up (mostly) with the grandkids. I savor meals with loved ones on our deck. I celebrate sleep as my satisfying superpower.

     How can you stop shoulding on your personal self-care and start satisfying self-care? 

Collective—From Selflessness to Self-fullness

     I should do it all. I should be able to handle all the stress of multiple roles and demands. Likewise, I should be concerned about urgent causes and the bigger community, not my own “selfish” needs. These shoulds are rooted in intersecting dangerous misperceptions. Especially for helping professionals, these shoulds are intertwined with our tendency to ish anything to do with self-care. That is, taking care of ourselves is seen as selfish. Similarly, we don’t allow ourselves to be human—e.g., routinely attending to our basic human needs. Without intentional critique, self-care is seen as an emergency response in urgent situations or as earned by our own depletion. In this frame, self-care should only be a last resort or superficial response. Addressing this “should” requires changing how we frame self-care and how we talk about it.

     We need to shift from the should of selflessness to the synergy of selffullness. Instead of the should mode of selflessness, self-care ensures that I engage out of selffullness. When refilled through self-care, I can engage out of abundance, not depletion. Attending to my own human needs—such as rest, nutrition, movement, reflection, connection, and boundaries—means I don’t keep going until selflessly exhausted. Self-care means I honor my humanness, which synergistically supports me to honor my passion and purpose to contribute—alongside others—in communities and causes.

     How can you shift from the should of selflessness to the synergy of selffullness?

Organizational—From Outer Locus of Control to Inner Focus on Power

     Organizations should take care of employees. Supervisors should provide caring, competent, compassionate leadership. I should be able to trust that others will fulfill their responsibilities for my well-being. Yes! These statements are accurate. But, when focus on the shoulds prevents the practice of self-care, they’re problematic and self-defeating. 

     If I wait for these shoulds to occur, I allow the locus of control to be outside much of my purview. Practicing self-care is where I have the most immediate power to affect my well-being. In prioritizing my own self-care, I move the locus of control to what I can do, not what external entities should do. Emphatically, this strategy does not negate nor excuse accountability of these entities. (Organizational accountability, collective care, and self-care are not contradictory; they are complementary.) Self-care, in many ways, is reclaiming my power.

     How can you move from a locus of outer control to a focus on inner power?

     Let’s stop shoulding on self-care and instead access inner power for self-full, satisfying self-care!  

Peace, Love, and Self-Care,

Erlene

Dr. Erlene Grise-Owens, EdD, LCSW, MSW, MRE, is a Partner in The Wellness Group, ETC.  This LLC provides evaluation, training, and consultation for organizational wellness and practitioner well-being. Dr. Grise-Owens is lead editor of The A-to-Z Self-Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals.  As a former faculty member and graduate program director, she and a small (but mighty!) group of colleagues implemented an initiative to promote self-care as part of the social work education curriculum. Previously, she served in clinical and administrative roles. She has experience with navigating toxicity and dysfunction, up-close and personal! Likewise, as an educator, she saw students enter the field and quickly burn out. As a dedicated social worker, she believes the well-being of practitioners is a matter of social justice and human rights. Thus, she is on a mission to promote self-care and wellness!