Self-Care A-Z: A Whole-Hearted Story - Practice Doesn’t Make Perfect, But It Can Make You Happier
by Jessica Donohue-Dioh, PhD, LISW, MSW
When I first heard about it, I thought, “Self-Care? That’s a trend. Nice and all, but not my thing.” However, “When the student is ready the teachers appear.” (Tao Te Ching)
In my doctoral program, my mentor, Dr. Jay Miller, had me working on his self-care research. Studying to understand the concept, I came across the SocialWorkPodcast on self-care. One concept particularly stood out: Self-care is a practice skill and ethical mandate for professional social workers. THIS resonated with me. Little did I know this resonance would crash into my personal path and completely disrupt my journey.
Emerging Self-Awareness
Circa 15 years ago, as an MSW student with Dr. Brené Brown (yes, that Brené!), I’d read her book Women and Shame. This book was life changing. Although much was yet to come in my journey, this book left an impression on my heart.
The 10 years between my MSW and PhD was an intense, never-a-moment-of-down-time phase. What seemed exhausting to others was fulfilling for me. I would have told you, truthfully, I enjoyed it all; I was “comfortable” with a toppling-over plate.
Then, my Dad was diagnosed with cancer and died within six months. We all know how a crisis can turn our world upside down and inside out. I was no different.
I struggled. Everything built up, and I wasn’t happy. I realized that, regardless of all life’s chaos, I needed to know happiness, for myself. I started working with a life-coach (LISW).
Encountering Self-Compassion
Working on my mentors’ self-care scholarship, I was introduced to self-compassion and self-care. I’d been a social worker for more than 15 years and had never heard of self-compassion.
I took Neff’s brief Self-Compassion Scale and “failed.” I realized I freely gave compassion to others. Yet, turning that back to myself was mysteriously missing. Still resistant, I decided to give self-care a try. I started with physical self-care, exercising more regularly. I began to appreciate time at the gym or on a run. I found I could clear my mind, release frustrations, and get back to my work with a “right” mind.
Yet, I realized I was “buying” the idea of self-care for work; but I still didn’t see it as something I deserved to do for myself. I was only motivated to engage in self-care as part of professional practice. I practiced self-care, not to take care of me, but to take care of others better. I did self-care because I needed to be the best social worker—not, simply, a happier human.
Crashing Into Self-Love
The ensuing years brought some painful realizations, as I embraced more professional self-care and pursued my personal journey with happiness. I began to see the lifetime of patterns trying to demonstrate my worth. Giving, doing, and sacrificing, endlessly, protected me. I was safe. No one would notice that I really wasn’t worth their time or their love. I rationalized “giving everything” with my favorite quote: “Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk” (Dalai Lama XIV). I knew from Brené Brown that connection was crucial, but I hadn’t embraced, yet, the deeper understanding of vulnerability.
With my life-coach’s support, my eyes opened. If I slowed down, if I stopped the self-sacrifice, it wasn’t everyone else who would realize I was undeserving of their love; it was me. I did not see myself as worthy of my own self-love. I knew, logically, that I matter and have value. But, I hadn’t taken it to “heart.”
Practicing Wholehearted Self-Care
Now, I’m hopeful that, in a cognitive-behavioral way, as I keep taking care—motivated initially by the love of profession and being a better social worker—that engaging in self-care will contribute to changing my heart. My “professional” self-care can help me learn self-compassion and self-love—moving from a logical belief to actions of knowing in my heart.
Today, I still hold to my favorite quote and embrace vulnerability, but with new lenses. I see now: Great risks don’t need to become self-sacrificial. (See this post on The Giving Tree for more on this concept.) Vulnerability is beautiful; so are boundaries.
“Wholehearted living is…engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness…it’s the journey of a lifetime” that requires embracing imperfection (Brown, p. 1). Mine is definitely an imperfect journey. Some days I embrace my vulnerability with strength. Still, other days, I continue to see my vulnerability as weakness, wanting to return to the safety of self-sacrifice. I’m grateful for teachers who appear on my path—and that I’m becoming one of those teachers for myself and others.
I hope my story encourages you to practice self-care, imperfectly, in a wholehearted way. “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we will ever do.” (Brown, preface). Be brave; my whole-heart welcomes your whole-heart on the path.
Reference
Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden.
Jessica Donohue-Dioh, PhD, LISW, MSW, has experience across many fields of social work including medical, international, program development, community engagement, mental health, and victim/survivor services. She has spent the majority of her post-MSW career focusing on human trafficking (labor and sex). Jessica is currently an adjunct professor and research scientist at the University of Houston, Graduate College of Social Work. Away from work, Jessica enjoys travel; salsa dancing; and time with her friends, family, partner, and two fantastic children. Dr. D holds a BSW from Xavier University, an MSW from University of Houston, and a PhD from University of Kentucky.