Self-Care A-Z: What I Learned About Self-Care From My Mother

by Erlene Grise-Owens

by Erlene Grise-Owens, EdD, LCSW, MSW, MRE, lead co-editor of The A-to-Z Self-Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals

If my mother were alive and I told her, “I’m writing about what you taught me about self-care,” she’d give me a look that conveyed, “What’s that?” We never discussed “self-care.” But, I got enduring lessons in self-care—though neither of us had that language—from my mother.

I could tell many stories about the difficulties of my childhood embedded in rural poverty. Yet, the stories we recount reinforce the realities we seek. This post centers self-care stories that honor my mother’s wisdom and grit. They demonstrate the power of self-care as protective factors in challenging circumstances.*

Here are 7 self-care lessons my mother taught me.

Healthy self-soothing is a basic form of self-care. With the relentless responsibilities of 12 children and a hardscrabble farm, my mother’s life wouldn’t seem to be an exemplar of self-care. But, when Mama sat down to comb her luxurious auburn hair, we all knew to leave her alone. This self-soothing ritual was her time. This example showed me that small acts of self-care can be integrated into the most challenging life circumstances.
Notice nature. Pausing for birdsong. Absorbing warm sunlight. Smelling approaching rain. Appreciating starry skies. Observing changing leaves. Tending sustenance-giving gardens. As someone who dreamed of living in a library (with snacks!) as a child, I don’t romanticize farm life. If I never chase another recalcitrant cow or gather eggs from a hovering hen’s nest, I’m just fine, thanks. However, I appreciate that farm life—and particularly my mother’s example as a devoted farmer—gave me an indelible appreciation for nature’s pleasures, available for the noticing.
Acceptance is key for contentment. My mother demonstrated accepting whatever life brought. She said about her brood of children: “None were planned; all were wanted.” In my adulthood, I asked my mother, in a hospital bed, “Are you in pain?” She replied, “Oh, pain is just part of life.” Her radical acceptance of the difficulties and complexities of living seemed to deepen her contentment with life.
Enjoy your work…and your rest. Farming is a never-ending cycle of arduous labor and necessary rest. From milking cows to shelling beans, Mama modeled both a pragmatic pleasure in work and a capacity for rest. For Mama, a good night’s sleep was an unparalleled blessing. Also, she knew how to incorporate rest throughout the day. In later years, when my partner and I visited the farm, he dubbed our tradition of restorative porch-sitting as “porch therapy.”
Be present. Mama was into mindfulness before mindfulness was cool. Actually, farming lends itself to mindfulness, because in myriad ways, one has to pay attention. We couldn’t afford a television in my early childhood; later, when we had that extravagance, we thought it only worked after dark. (Wink!) During daylight, we were in school, working the farm, or playing outside. We had many hours of imaginative absorption. In her late 80s, Mama’s escalating dementia required out-of-home care. Often, she didn’t recognize us or know where she was. In visits, I focused on trying to return to her the gift she gave me of being present in the moment. It was a poignant reminder that, truly, we only have now.
Savor the sweetness of life. Mama had a penchant for sweets. Each new dessert was the best one yet. One could view her life through a lens of scarcity. But, in so many ways, Mama taught me to see the abundance, instead, and savor the sweetness of life.
Practice gratitude. Mama exuded the practice of gratitude as a way of being. She was equally grateful for the smallest act of kindness or significant impacts. And, I try to follow her lead. When I was in third grade, our family got indoor plumbing. Life-changing! To this day, I remind myself, “I have indoor plumbing. Life is good.”

So, particularly on difficult days, I make it a point to be present. I comb my hair, sit on a porch, go for a nature walk, enjoy my work, take a nap, have dessert, flush a toilet. And, even when experiencing pain—and, perhaps, especially then—I thank my mother for teaching me so much about life, including self-care.

Peace, Love, & Self-Care, Erlene

*See also my full-length journal article, Mama’s Map for Living…and Dying

Dr. Erlene Grise-Owens, EdD, LCSW, MSW, MRE, is a Partner in The Wellness Group, ETC. This LLC provides evaluation, training, and consultation for organizational wellness and practitioner well-being. Dr. Grise-Owens is lead editor of The A-to-Z Self-Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals. As a former faculty member and graduate program director, she and a small (but mighty!) group of colleagues implemented an initiative to promote self-care as part of the social work education curriculum. Previously, she served in clinical and administrative roles. She has experience with navigating toxicity and dysfunction, up-close and personal! Likewise, as an educator, she saw students enter the field and quickly burn out. As a dedicated social worker, she believes the well-being of practitioners is a matter of social justice and human rights. Thus, she is on a mission to promote self-care and wellness!