Darkness quote
by Jessica Donohue-Dioh, PhD, MSW
I have learned things in the dark that I could never have learned in the light, things that have saved my life over and over again.... [We] need darkness as much as [we] need light. –Barbara Brown Taylor (from Learning to Walk in the Dark)
I’ve been a night owl as long as I can remember. I enjoy the night. I need darkness.
Dark Revelations
I never thought much about actual darkness, the color blackness, until college. An amazing social work professor helped me make the connection between the labels black and dark being negative. That revelation started my ongoing reflection.
Western culture boils it down to dark=bad; light=good. This awareness is constantly frustrating. My personal and professional reflection on darkness becomes more layered and dynamic. I teach about color associations and racism, and I continue examining my own thought patterns. Recently, I’ve begun exploring self-care in the dark.
Self-Care Must Not Be Lost in the Light
In my self-care journey, I continue to struggle with self-worth. I see social media stories of folx loving themselves, recognizing their value, and insisting that others do, as well. To be clear, this positivity and self-love is great. What gives me pause is the sharing. When I have good self-care moments, I think “Oh, I’ll post this!” I type, edit, post...and, often, delete. Something holds me back.
Those moments feel good; they’re “wins.” But, I’ve realized, those moments are only my self-care in the light. They’re for others to observe, congratulate, encourage, and find comradery. This self-care in the light is necessary for me to be physically healthy and not lose my s**t, to be successful at work, as a family member, and friend. Daylight self-care is incomplete, though. It’s very different from self-care in the dark.
Recently, I visited the Rothko Chapel (COVID-style). I was unprepared for how deeply touching, humbling, and inspiring the exhibit would be. As I sat taking in the fullness and complexity of the black canvases, the longer I gazed into the blackness, the more I could see. I knew I had to write this reflection.
In the Dark
My self-care in the dark is time just for me. It’s when I struggle the most and make the most meaningful gains. It’s when I heal. It’s the real work for my foundation, roots, and core of my being. It’s when external acknowledgments and accolades recede and I have to face myself. I, alone, must see the beauty, strength, potential in all I am.
In the dark, I question, “Will I ever be enough?” In the dark, I struggle to see my own value if I’m not producing, providing, giving, doing, sacrificing. In the dark, I collapse, cry, and question, “When will this be different?” It is only in the dark these questions are answered. In the dark, I remind myself of my own values, the way I see others, and the need to treat myself with this same compassion and love. In the dark, I reflect, rest, rejuvenate, heal.
I cannot do those things under the scorching daylight. This self-care is not for voyeuristic enjoyment or others’ accolades. It’s, solely, so I can bear the heartache of this world and sustain my human spirit. These answers cannot be found in whitewashing light. Daylight is not where I find my way. In darkness, I discover my path. Then, under shocking light of day, I can navigate with ease and be the woman, social worker, mother I’m meant to be.
Few are allowed to see my self-care in the dark - in part, because my self-care doesn’t need the world’s bright light to be validated. Another part of my discretion is related to the skewed interpretation of darkness. Our society persistently struggles to acknowledge the beauty, benefit, and beneficence of darkness and dark times. The mystery, fecundity, and necessity of darkness is subverted by fear and the frenetic adulation of light. So, in caring for myself, I only share about my self-care in the dark for those with mutual appreciation for/openness to darkness.
In that spirit: What would you see if you looked into the darkness? Where might your path lead if you turned from the light, walked into the deepening darkness?
Author’s Postscript: Thank you to Dr. Grise-Owens, Erlene, for her brilliant and thoughtful edits. For our long walk and talks and for your great appreciation for darkness. This journey and this writing would not be the same without you.
Jessica Donohue-Dioh, PhD, MSW, has experience across many fields of social work, including medical, international, program development, community engagement, mental health, and anti-human trafficking, where she has spent the majority of her post-MSW career, including research following her PhD. Jessica is currently a visiting assistant professor at the University of Houston-Clear Lake. She is passionate about friendship, connection and the human experience. Jessica strives to be a lifelong learner, as well as continually finding ways to contribute to the world around her. Away from work, Jessica enjoys travel, especially to her second home in Cameroon. She enjoys salsa dancing and time with her friends, family, partner, and two fantastic children. Dr. D holds a BSW from Xavier University, an MSW from University of Houston, and a PhD from University of Kentucky.